GriEF & HEALING

Grieving Process

Every person is unique in the way he or she handles the loss of a loved one. While the grieving process is different for each of us, we all experience some common feelings as we work toward healing from our loss.

Our responses to the different feelings that occur during the grieving process are often described as “stages.” These stages are not tied down to “real time”, and people do not necessarily move in and out of the stages in an orderly, straightforward manner. Stages can last for minutes or hours. It is not unusual to move into and out of one stage and then to another, and cycle back again to the first one. You may find yourself repeating this process a number of times as you continue to work through your grief.

There are five commonly observed stages that people experience during the grieving process. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

At the beginning, you may feel a sense of detachment, shock, or numbness. You may even wonder why you are not more upset over your loss. This feeling of disconnection is a survival response. It is simply nature's way of helping you to continue to function on a basic level while under extreme stress. Denial is a tool that unconsciously enables you to do the things that are necessary to carry on with your life in the days immediately following your loss.

Anger provides a bridge of connection from the initial numbness of grief. You may find yourself angry at the doctors, your family, the loved one who died, or at God. Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Your anger is connected to your pain. The more you truly allow yourself to feel your anger alongside the pain, the more it will diminish, and the more you will heal.

Before and after a loss, you may feel like you would have done anything if only your loved one would be spared. “If only” and “what if” becomes a recurrent thought. Guilt often accompanies bargaining. You may wonder if you could have done anything differently so that your loved one might still be alive. You may try to second-guess the doctors and yourself. You may revert to living in the past to avoid the pain of the present.

After bargaining, feelings of emptiness and grief present themselves on a deeper level. This depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. When a loss fully settles in your soul, and you realize that your loved one is not coming back, feelings of deep sadness (depression) are normal. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be very unusual. Depression is a necessary step toward healing.

Eventually you come to terms with your bereavement as you move into the acceptance stage of grief. At this point, the loss has become part of your story and your history. It does not consume your life in the same way it did to begin with. With acceptance comes increased peace. As you move through this stage, you will find yourself once more interested in and able to enjoy some of the things that you formerly liked to do. You may develop new interests and relationships. You have learned to live with your loss in a way that is constructive and healing.

How long am I going to feel this way?

The duration of the mourning process can also be influenced by your relationship to the deceased, the amount of support you receive, and other factors.

Sometimes the healing process may become disrupted or delayed if other events or traumatic losses have previously occurred in a person’s life. This may be especially true if the other loss is relatively recent, or has never been fully processed in and of itself. This grief experience is known as “complicated grief.” People who are dealing with this type of grief may benefit by working with professionals who are trained in dealing with complex grief issues.

If, after some time has passed, you find your grief is still persistent and disruptive to the point where it impacts your daily functions, please seek professional counseling.

"The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost."

- Arthur Schopenhauer

Helping Family Members and Friends When They Need it Most

There are two facets of the design process. First, we ask you to consider how you wish to collectively remember and celebrate the life of your animal companion. When those important decisions are made, we'll turn to the issue of how you wish to care for the physical remains.

How to Be the Best Ally You Can Be

It Helps to Know the Dynamics of Grief

The better your understanding of grief and how it is healed, the better equipped you'll be to help a bereaved friend or family member:

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief does not unfold in orderly, predictable stages. It is an emotional rollercoaster, with unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid telling the bereaved what they "should" be feeling or doing.

Grief may involve extreme emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger, despair, and fear are common. A grieving person may yell to the heavens, obsess about the death, lash out at animal companions, or cry for hours on end. The bereaved need reassurance that what they're feeling is normal. Don't judge them or take their grief reactions personally.

There is no set timetable for grieving. For many people, recovery after bereavement takes 18 to 24 months, but for others, the grieving process may be longer or shorter. Don't pressure the bereaved to move on or make them feel like they’ve been grieving too long. This can actually slow their healing.

Here are Some of the Best Ways to Support Them

It's never easy. Finding the right words, the fear of saying the wrong thing, even a lack of personal experience with pet loss, leaves many people uncomfortable reaching out to a grieving friend.

Often, we feel that if we said just the 'right thing,' we could change their suffering for good. And, what if we made it worse for them by creating additional pain for our friends in mourning? Those feelings of inadequacy and concern cause us to ignore a simple fact: the loss of an animal companion cannot be enhanced or relieved by words.

Their bereavement is a process, and as a friend, you can offer support and a listening ear, but there is no way to take away the pain from the person who has experienced the death of a pet. Rather than worry about what to say to a grieving friend, you should be receptive to their needs and offer assistance whenever possible.

During the Early Days

When pet loss grief is new and fresh, it can be almost unbearable, and sometimes it's a bit unnerving to be with someone who is only hours away from a loss. What can you do during this most difficult time?

Simply listen. Take time to sit down with a grieving friend and ask about their deceased pet. They will be more than willing to share their favorite memories. Let the grieving person know that it's okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don't try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn't feel. The bereaved should feel free to express their feelings, without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.

Be willing to sit in silence. Sometimes the grieving friend or family member will find it too difficult to talk, but takes great comfort in having someone close by. Don't press if the grieving person doesn't feel like talking. You can offer comfort and support with your silent presence. If you can't think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.

Let the bereaved one talk about how their pet died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens.

Mention the pet's name. Grieving people need to feel like their animal companion has not been forgotten, and mentioning their name in conversation will also makes it easier for everyone to talk about their feelings about the death.

Take the Time to Call. Pick up the phone regularly, and call your grieving friend to see how he is doing. Place a call within a couple days of the funeral to let your friend know you are always free to talk, and then follow-up every few days to see if they need help with anything.

What to Say and Do in Support of Those in Grief

It can be really tough to know what to say or do when someone you care about is grieving, and it can be tempting to discount their sorrow simply because theirs was the loss of a pet.

You may also be afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making the person feel even worse. Or maybe you feel there’s little you can do to make things better, so you justify doing little or nothing.

Remember that, while you can't take away the pain of the loss, you can provide much-needed comfort and support. There are many ways to help a grieving friend or family member, starting with letting the person know you care.

What Not to Say

Some people feel that recovery from pet loss should be easier, and shorter, than grieving the loss of a human being. We at beyond the Sunset Pet Crematory know that grief and mourning have their own time table. Your friend may still be in grief months after the loss. Being conscious of their unique timetable, and mindful of the support they'll need throughout this time can make all the difference – to both of you.

There are some basic comments to avoid when comforting the bereaved. These include statements that imply you know what they are going through, or that your experience was more difficult than theirs. Basically, you should always be mindful of what you are saying, even if it means 'thinking twice' before opening your mouth to speak. Here are a few of the things you should never say:

• "I know how you feel." One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
• "It's part of God's plan." This phrase can make people angry, and they often respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."
• "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
• "He's in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
• "This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" their animal companion. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
• Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will." These statements are too instructive, and assume that you know better than they. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about..." or "You might..."
  

What Should You Say?

While it is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving, the following are suggestions to make it easier for you to show how much you really care:

• Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died." That will show that you are more open to talking about how the person really feels.
• Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."
• Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
• Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
• Ask how he or she feels. Don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.

Continue your support over the long haul. Stay in touch with the grieving person, periodically checking in, dropping by, or sending letters or cards. Your support is more valuable than ever once the initial shock of the loss has worn off.

Don't make assumptions based on outward appearances. The bereaved person may look fine on the outside, while inside, he or she is suffering. Avoid saying things like "You are so strong" or "You look so well." This puts pressure on the person to keep up appearances and to hide his or her true feelings.

The pain of bereavement may never fully heal. Be sensitive to the fact that life may never feel the same. You don't "get over" the death of an animal companion. The bereaved person learns to accept the loss. The pain may lessen in intensity over time. But the sadness may never completely go away.

Offer extra support on special days. Certain times and days of the year will be particularly hard for your grieving friend or family member. Holidays, family milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on these occasions. Let the bereaved person know that you're there for whatever he or she needs.

During the Later Months

Some people feel that recovery from pet loss should be easier and shorter than grieving the loss of a human being. We at Beyond the Sunset Pet Crematory know that grief and mourning have their own timetable. Your friend may still be in grief months after the loss. Being conscious of their unique timetable and mindful of the support they'll need throughout this time can make all the difference – to both of you.

As they come to a more stable place emotionally, your friend or family member may feel the desire to tentatively step back into life. Helping them to do that means extending a hand and asking them out.

Involve them in your activities. Invite your friend to social occasions so they have the opportunity to meet new friends and get their mind off their loss.

Plan new activities together. That way, both of you have something to look forward to, even if it's just a short walk in their neighborhood, or a movie date.

Always remember holidays and anniversaries. These are the days of the year that are the hardest times for people suffering from grief. So, plan ahead and invite them to your home or make a visit to their home to wish them a happy holiday. Let them know that they have many friends and family members ready to help them through these difficult days.

Learn the Danger Signs

While grieving is a necessary and healthy process, people can easily slip into extremes. If a grieving person demonstrates any of these signs, they may need professional help. Communities, religious centers, funeral homes, and healthcare organizations have grief counseling programs or support groups.

• Weight loss
• Substance abuse
• Depression
• Prolonged sleep disorders
• Difficulty functioning in daily life
• Extreme focus on the death
• Excessive bitterness, anger, or guilt
• Neglecting personal hygiene
• Inability to enjoy life
• Hallucinations
• Withdrawing from others
• Constant feelings of hopelessness
• Talking about dying or suicide

The best gift a friend can give to a friend who just lost someone they love (whether human or animal) is the permission to grieve. Do not force a grieving person to return to a normal life before they are ready. Allow them to go at their own pace, but provide encouragement and emotional support to enhance the healing process.